As I look back at the past 8 years there has been many challenges for me as far as a believer standing on God's word. Working in the ministry has put such a distaste in me but no one said it would be roses. It seems as if bitterness and distrust has been my experience instead of evangelism, love and prosperity. Were we just in that season of our life to experience those things. What was God whole point bringing us to this place at this time, what have we gained. Were we suppose to gain something, or just be taught something and if so what? Those are just some of my inner thoughts. I do know one thing though without God we would be in a worse place, mentally spiritually and physically.
I do think about time we have lost with family members by living so far away. How we have loss time that will never be made up, well at least not on this side. I think about that often, loss time with those that we love and have gone on. Sometimes I get so angry with myself and God and ask why weren't we in a position to go home and visit more? Money is the answer I come up with My children being limited in what I can expose them to, because of lack of money. How they have experienced their great moments because of someone else blessing them. Not that we didn't try and still are trying to make life better for them, but being honest it still pisses me off. I am glad that they have had joyful experiences but at times it doesn't leave me with such a great feeling. There are times when my heart hurts so bad and I don't know if I will ever get over the pain I am feeling.
Just when I ramble question like, how can God bring Good from this? Does he even want to. Or make statements like Ughh, I am so annoyed I don't even know what to do. I really need prayer, revelation; whatever it takes to get this gut wrenching feeling out of me. Just when all those thoughts cloud my mind, It always seem to go away, there always seems to be a brighter day. Because of Jesus and his love he has for me. It is so overwhelming it pierces through negative thoughts and feelings.
There is one thing I do know He is still in control, no matter how much my mind is messed up behind all that is going on around me. No matter how much I think I can come up with a solution. God is still in control! He has made promises:
9... Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away . 10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed ; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. 11 Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded : they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish . 12 Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought. 13 For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee
Ooooh My God that is such good word! Just meditate on his words continue to pray and put your hands to what he has called you to and you shall prevail in life. Don't forget ...he is with you and for you!
Keep the FAITH!
***check out Still in Control by Kirk Franklin the words are beautiful, one of my favorites go to :